Struggling
by AJ Tomb Raider
Summary: Rated T for safety. Warnings inside. Something's wrong with Leo. He's blaming himself for things he can't control. Can his family help him before he does something drastic?


Hi everyone. I know I haven't done anything in a while (understatement of the decade), but I'm back now, and this fic is by far the longest I've written. Before I start I would like to point out a few things.

1: this is the first story I've ever done with mentions of blood. Incase anyone doesn't want to read that, there is a warning in bold so you can skip it.  
>2: tmnt is something I've only recently gained an interest in. I'm basing it on the 2003 series, so if you don't like that version, this probably isn't for you.<br>3: all the infomation I've put in about seppuku is based on wikipedia entries, so it should be accurate. If there is anything you think is wrong, please let me know in your comments.

**Warnings****: Leo angst, blood scene, mentions of depression, attempted suicide, spoilers for season 1 and the start of season 2**

So, now that that's out of the way, enjoy the fic!

Disclaimer: TMNT belong to Eastman & Laird.

* * *

><p><span>Struggling<span>

It was a quiet night in the lair. Raphael and Michelangelo had gone to bed after sparring against each other, Donatello was taking a break from his tinkering, and Leonardo had been in his room for the last few hours. It was one of the rare times when Splinter could meditate peacefully without distractions.

-WHACK-SLASH-WHACK-

…Or at least, it had been. With a sigh, Splinter left his chambers to find Leonardo training with his katana in the dojo.

"Leonardo, why are you training so late?" Leo jumped at the sudden sound; he hadn't noticed his master come in! He quickly sheathed his swords before turning to the older ninja. "Master Splinter, I was just-"

"You should be in bed, my son." the rat interrupted. "I know, master. I just needed something to do. I can't sleep tonight."

"Hmmm. Sleepless nights can be troublesome, but you cannot train twenty four hours a day. There are better ways of dealing with insomnia."

Leo didn't seem to agree. He'd already tried reading, but that only made him more alert. So far this was the only thing he could do that made him tired enough to sleep. The reason for this was that he didn't have to think, he could just focus on the task at hand. And right now he wasn't in the mood to think about certain things.

"Perhaps I should just make us some tea," he suggested. "Do you think that would help, sensei?"

"I think it would."

A few minutes later, the two of them were sitting on the couch, watching the channel 9 news. As he drank his tea, Splinter observed that his son wasn't paying attention to the TV. Instead, he was looking into his cup, as if it fascinated him. His expression wasn't too cheerful either; it was as if something pained him…

"You seem troubled my son." the old rat commented.

"It's nothing," the blue turtle replied quietly. "Just a silly idea I had."

"Perhaps it would help you to talk about it?" Splinter asked him. "No, I'm good thanks."

Splinter wasn't convinced. He could tell something was wrong. But, if Leonardo didn't want to tell him about it, he would respect his wishes.

Setting his tea cup down, he stood up and started to return to his chambers. "I suggest you get back to bed Leonardo. You may feel better after some sleep."

"Yeah, will do. Goodnight sensei." "Goodnight, my son."

Leo stayed in the living area for a few more minutes, allowing the news reporter's voice to travel through the lair. Eventually, he turned it off and went to his room, his tea left untouched. In his room, Leo found himself in the same position he'd been in when he woke up an hour ago: thoughtful.

_Why do I keep messing up?_ he wondered. _First I get my shell whipped by the elite foot clan warriors, then I fail to kill the Shredder. Not to mention I nearly got everyone killed by Triceraton soldiers. Why?_

Sighing, he lay down on his bed, finally allowing sleep to take him. As the world grew darker, one last thought entered his head.

_Am I really cut out for this…?_

* * *

><p>A few days later, the four brothers were exploring the more submerged parts of the sewers. Donnie had an idea that, if the pool of water in the lair was in fact river water, then there must be an underwater passage to the surface. (AN: yes this part is based on the episode _What a Croc_) It would come in handy if they were unable to use the lift. All they had to do was navigate the seemingly endless maze of tunnels ahead of them. Needless to say, Mikey was already bored.

"Come on guys, there's nothing down here!" he moaned through the breathing mask he was wearing. "Why don't we go back and play a few video games?"

"We've only been down here half an hour, Mike," replied a rather irate Donnie.

"Yeah" said Raph. "Now why don't you be useful for once and help me move this heap of junk?" the junk he was referring to happened to be some old debris, which was blocking one of the tunnels. Mikey reluctantly swam over to his red brother, muttering about being bored as he did so.

Donnie just shook his head and went to see Leo in another tunnel. He didn't know why, but the latter had been unusually quiet as of late. That wasn't to say Leo was a chatterbox, that was Mikey's thing. But it wasn't like Leo to be _this _quiet. And that worried him slightly.

He found his brother near the end of the tunnel, shining his torch into the darkness. Since he could only see the back of his head, Don wasn't sure if Leo knew he was there. "Leo?"

The leader turned around to face his brother. "Hey Don." he said. "I don't think there's much down here. I thought I saw an intersection ahead, but it's just a big room, so it's a dead end." "There's really nothing?" "Nope, sorry."

The two started swimming back to their brothers, Leo once again saying nothing. He was too busy thinking about stuff again.

_Sometimes I wonder if the Shredder's death really made things better or not. Ever since the battle at Foot headquarters, every gang in New York has been at war almost. As much as I hate him, it seems like the Shredder was the only thing stopping this violence…_

"You ok, Leo?" Leo suddenly remembered where he was, and turned back to Donnie. The purple ninja was looking at him concernedly. "I'm fine Don." he said with a smile. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, it just seems like something's bothering you." the mechanic said "You've barely said a word all morning."

"I just have a lot on my mind right now." By this point, the two had stopped swimming, and were just facing each other in the middle of the tunnels. They were too busy talking to notice the shadow lurking in the gloom.

"Do you want to talk? It might help" "No Donnie. I'm fine, really." "Yeah, but-"

"WHOA!"

The two were suddenly knocked against the wall of the sewer by a large creature. As Leo recovered, he turned around to see a large, albino alligator staring at them hungrily. _Damn, how did I not see that thing? _Leo wondered. _Wait, isn't that the alligator that attacked Raph a few years ago?_

He didn't have time to think about that anymore. The gator was swimming towards the brothers again. This time they only just managed to dodge it. They both got out their weapons and started to fight back. Unfortunately, the water made it harder for them to fight in, giving the gator the advantage.

"Dammit, we're gonna need help!" Donnie shouted. "Raph, Mikey, can you hear me?" he called into the com.

"_What's up, Don?_" the hothead replied. "We're being attacked by a giant alligator. *dodges tail swipe* You gotta help us, quick!"

"_On our way bro._"

While Donnie tried to move round the alligator, Leo was more preoccupied with its head. He was having difficulty swinging his katana properly. Frustrated, he suddenly lashed out with all his strength, this time managing to hit the gator on the side of it's head…which sent it straight into Donnie's path.

"AAARRHHH!"

_With Raph and Mikey…_

"_AAARRHHH!_"

"Don? Don! What's happening?" Mikey asked. He and Raph had both heard the scream through their coms, and they had momentarily stopped swimming out of shock.

"…."

"C'mon Mikey, we gotta get moving!" called Raph. He swam with more force than he had done before, his orange brother quick to follow.

As they turned the corner, the two once again had to stop. The alligator had its jaws clamped down on Donnie's leg!

"Donnie! No!" cried Mikey. How could his brother get hurt like this? Then he noticed something on the reptile's back.

Just before they arrived, Leo had managed to stick his swords into the creature's back. Now he was trying to keep his grip while the gator thrashed wildly.

Without even thinking, Raph immediately joined in the frenzy, aiming straight for the alligator's underbelly. Luckily his sai were a lot easier to use underwater than his brothers' weapons, so he was able to hit the predator dead on.

The alligator opened it's jaws to roar in pain, which freed Donnie. The injured turtle starting sinking to the floor, but Mikey caught him before he fell too far. "Bro? Bro, speak to me!"

Donnie didn't answer, it looked like he had fainted from the shock of the injury. _At least now we know why he wasn't answering me earlier._ he thought.

"Mikey, take Don back to the lair and get him some help!" called Leo. "We'll finish off the alligator!"

Mikey didn't need telling twice. He quickly swam back the way they had come. Well, as quickly as he could with an unconscious turtle in his arms. Still he was able to reach the lair in just a few minutes. He as soon as he surfaced, he dragged his brother out of the water.

"Master Splinter! Master where are you?"

Splinter soon came out from the kitchen. "Michelangelo, what is-" the older ninja had to stop at the sight of his smartest son. "What has happened to Donatello?"

"He got bit by an alligator. Leo and Raph are still fighting it."

Nodding his head, Splinter moved forward to help bring Donnie to his room.

* * *

><p><em><span>The next day…<span>_

Donnie had been lucky; the alligator's jaws had caused mostly flesh wounds, so at worst, he would be off his feet for a few days. If he had been bitten in a more valuable place however, like his midsection, Splinter didn't think he would have been as fortunate.

Leo was anxious to see his brother. He and Raph had been able to get rid of the gator with just scratches and bruises. But by the time the returned to the lair, Splinter had decided to lock Donnie in his room, so as not to aggravate his wound. What really troubled Leo was that Raph and Mikey hadn't said a word to him since they got back.

_I'm sure they both hate me,_ he thought glumly. _Although, given the circumstances, I can't really blame them for it. I just hope Donnie is more understanding._

As soon as Splinter allowed the engineer to leave, Leo went off to find him. He didn't have to look far; Donnie had gone straight to his workstation. He had to smile slightly. Donnie never let anything stop him tinkering. His smile vanished as he approached his brother, and the fear returned. _What if he really is mad at me?_

"Err, hey Don," he said slowly.

Donnie looked up from what he was working on, happy to see his leader again. "Hey Leo. What's up?"

"I err, I wanted to apologise for what happened yesterday. I can't help but feel a little responsible."

"Leo, it's alright," assured Donnie. "You didn't know the alligator was gonna bite me. It was an accident."

"What?" asked Leo, somewhat surprised at his brother's reaction. "You're really not mad at me?"

"Well of course not. Actually, I'm just glad it was my leg and not one of my arms. I mean, how would I be able to work then?"

"I guess you have a point there." Leo chuckled. Although his brother's comments weren't cheering him up as much as he would have liked. "But still, if I hadn't struck the gator with my katana, you wouldn't have been bitten at all."

"I already told you Leo, it's alri-"

"So you admit it then!" Leo turned sharply to see his other brothers standing in front of him. Raph, the one who had shouted, was looking even madder than usual.

"Guys, I-"

"Don't deny it now Leo." said Raph angrily. "Admit it, you're the reason Donnie got hurt in the first place! If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't need those damn crutches!"

"Raph, please, it was just an accident."

"Oh come on!" he shouted. "You don't actually believe that do you Donnie? I'll bet he knew you were right there when he used his swords! Mikey believes that too, don't you Mikey."

Leo and Donnie turned their heads to look at the last brother. Mikey was standing awkwardly and kept turning his head to look anywhere. _anywhere but at me!_ Leo realised.

"Mikey?" he asked cautiously. "Do you…do you really think that?"

Mikey slowly turned to face the rest of his family. "Well, I didn't really see what happened, but I guess it cou-"

"See, he's with me!" interrupted Raph.

"I never said that!"

"But you as good as! I told Master Splinter we should have done something about this, but no! no one ever punishes the fearless leader!"

Leo was looking at the floor by now, his hands shaking at his sides. As much as he tried, he was having trouble holding back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"You know what, I'm tired of having to follow Leo around everytime we do something! He's always ordering us about! When's he gonna realise he's not cut out to be leader!"

_Maybe he's right, _Leo thought._ maybe I'm not meant to lead…_

"Stop it Raph, you're not helping things!"

"So what? It's time he learned that he can't have his way all the time! He thinks he's so perfect being in charge that-"

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"

Everyone looked at Leo in shock. This was the first time he'd ever yelled like that. But what freaked Mikey out even more was the blue ninja's expression.

Leo looked pained. It was like he'd been wounded by something only he could see. And there was something about his eyes. _Is he…crying?_

"Um…bro?"

"Do you guys think I'm happy to see my brother hurt? You think I don't feel guilty!" he shouted.

Raph took a step back at the sound of Leo's turn. Had he gone to far perhaps?

"Look Leo, I'm sorry. I-"

"No Raph, don't you dare. You guys have no idea what I'm going through right now! You all think it's so easy, being in charge! Why don't you try it?"

Before anyone could stop him, Leo started to head for the lift. "Leo, wait!" cried Donnie. "Where are you going?"

"I…I need to get some air." and with that he left, now unable to stop his tears.

After he was gone, Donnie turned back to the other turtles in the room. "You had to do it, didn't you Raph?"

"Hey, I was just trying to figure out what happened, ok? I mean how could he have let you get bitten like that?"

"Listen, I was behind the alligator when Leo struck it. There's no way he could've seen me when it happened. As for getting bitten, it was just bad luck the gator's jaws were open at the time! So don't go accusing him of not being a good leader!"

Raph had heard enough, he just turned around and headed for his room. Mikey on the other hand was more concerned with what Leo had said.

"Hey, Donnie?"

"What is it, Mike?" asked Donnie, not looking up from his work.

"What do you think Leo meant earlier?"

"Which part?"

"The part about not knowing what he was going through. Do you think he's ill or something?"

"Ill?" this caused Donnie to pause in his work. "I never thought about that. But whatever it is, I'm sure something is bothering him."

"What makes you say that?"

"Haven't you noticed? Leo's been acting off for weeks now. I'm not sure what's up with him, but it's gotta be big."

* * *

><p>Leo finally came to a stop in an alley just outside Central Park. There, he sank to the floor against a wall, buried his head into his hands, and cried.<p>

_I can't do this,_ he thought to himself. _Raph is right, I was never meant to lead others. Why can't the others see that too?_

_It's my fault Donnie got hurt. It's my fault April lost her home. It's my fault the Shredder was able to come back, I should've made sure he was dead._

As he sat there, clouds gathered in the sky and it starting to rain. And as the weather got worse, Leo's thoughts became darker.

_Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just left. I certainly don't help with being here, if anything I seem to make everything worse. But where can I go?_

"Leo? Is that you?"

Looking up sharply, Leo noticed that there was a green Volkswagen camper parked in front of the alley. As he looked closer, he realised there was a very familiar person…

"April?"

"Leo, what are doing out here?" April asked as she walked over to him. "You'll catch a cold if you stay in the rain."

"I was just getting some air." he said, getting up slowly.

"That's still no reason to stay out here." she argued. "Come on. You can dry off in my van."

Shortly afterwards, Leo found himself in April's van with a towel round his neck, while April herself was making the two of them some hot chocolate. The van was conveniently equipped for short camping trips, and had a table, two chairs, a gas burner, a sink and a few cupboards. The chairs and table were designed to fold out into a small bed.

_I wonder if this is where she's been living the last few months._ he wondered, as he sat on one of the chairs. _Again, that's all down to me…_

"Here you go," April said, handing him one of the mugs. "I've got marshmallows if you want some?"

"No thanks, I'm good." he said. April sat down next to her green friend, studying his face curiously.

"So what's up? You never leave the lair alone. Has something happened?"

"Just a little fight with Raph," Leo said quietly. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

"Must've been some fight, for you to be outside on the streets." she replied. "How's Donnie?"

"He should be fine I a few days. He just hates having to use his crutches."

"I don't think anyone likes that, but it's for his own good." April smiled. At least he was talking a little. Master Splinter had told her about Leo's recent behaviour, and she was just as concerned as everyone else. She then noticed that the teen had yet to even taste his chocolate.

"You know I'm not taking you home until you drink that, right?"

Leo shook his head slightly before looking down at the brown liquid. He'd completely forgotten about it.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. He could tell from the look on April's face that she wasn't joking, so he slowly took a sip from the cup. It actually tasted better than he expected, considering it wasn't as hot as it had been. "Hey, this stuff's pretty good."

"It's just the Cadburys instant stuff," April admitted. "I'm glad you like it though. Hot chocolate always makes me feel good when I'm down."

April quickly finished her own cup, moving towards the sink as she did so. She watched as Leo continued to drink his chocolate, trying to think of something else to cheer him up with. _I don't have my TV set up yet, so a movie is definitely out,_ she thought. _I wonder if there's anything in the lock up that he'd like…_

"Hey Leo, do you mind if we go somewhere before I take you back?"

"Um, ok, but what for?"

"I put a lot of the shop's stock into storage before it blew up. I thought there'd be something in there for Donnie. You know, as a get well present." she suggested. "I'd appreciate it if you could help me choose something."

"Yeah, alright." he said. "Good idea April."

"Great! Lets get going then." April smiled. _And maybe we can find something for you as well…_

_20 minutes later…_

April's lock up was relatively close to where the lift was, so it wouldn't take long for Leo to get home. All the had to do was find a suitable gift for Donnie. Luckily, they found an old computer tower for him to dismantle. Although, as April confessed, that particular item was already there when she bought the lock up, so it wasn't technically hers.

As they went to move the tower into the van, Leo's eye caught something in one of the other boxes. "Hey, what's that there?"

"Hm?" April looked up to see what Leo was talking about. "Oh, that's just some old Japanese stuff in there. I haven't really had time to sort that one out."

Leo had already started sifting through the items in the box. Eventually, he pulled out a simple knife with a black leather handle and a red sheath. The blade was about 8" in length, and was double edged.

"Whoa, you have a tantō in here!"

"A tantō?" asked April. "What's a tantō?"

"It's a Japanese short sword. Some people used them for seppuku as well as for battle."

"Right. And seppuku is..?"

"Well it's kinda like a ritual suicide. It's usually carried out by samurai when they cannot escape surrender, or when they feel they have lost their honour." (A/N: as far as I know, this is fact)

"Delightful." April said sarcastically. _You know,_ she thought, _Leo does have a thing for Japanese history. Maybe that could be his gift._

"Hey, why don't you take that?"

"Err, alright. But Donnie normally prefers his staff over a knife-"

"I didn't mean for Donnie, I meant for you. I can tell you like the look of it."

"You…you really want me to keep it?"

"Well of course silly." she laughed. "Besides, I don't think I'd sell it in my store anyway; there's enough knife crime in the city as it is."

Leo thanked her for the gift, tying it to his sash for safe keeping. The two then went back to putting the computer in April's van. While she drove towards the warehouse with the lift, Leo returned to thinking about his predicament.

_I can't think of anywhere I could run to. Not without risk of being seen anyway. But what else can I do?_ Then he remembered the tantō…

_No._ he thought stubbornly._ There's no way I could do that…is there?_

_NO! don't think that way Leo. Running away is one thing, but this…this is serious._

_But…what if it's the only way to put things right? I have to do something._

He was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn't notice that April had stopped driving until she decided to shake him.

"Leo, Leo come on!"

"Huh?"

"We're back Leo."

The two went into the lair together. Leo was capable of carrying the computer himself, but April wanted to see how Donnie was doing, so she came down with him.

Donnie was grateful for the present, but he was a bit more concerned about Leo than anything else. He was scared that something had happened while he was topside, so when Leo came back, he was relieved to find his brother (seemingly) ok.

* * *

><p>That night, after everyone had gone to bed, Leo was having difficulty sleeping. He couldn't stop thinking about the tantō, along with everything else that had occurred recently.<p>

_Why did I agree to take it? I can't seriously want to do this…can I? If I did do it, I wouldn't be in anyone's way…but what if this actually hurts them more? No, that's not even possible. How can I hurt them anymore than I have now? They know I'm a waste of time, I can't even fight off a bunch of foot soldiers without needing help. But is this really the right thing to do?_

He didn't sleep much that night. When he did, he kept waking up from nightmares. The rest of the time he just spent brooding. When morning finally came, he decided it would be best to talk with Master Splinter. If anyone could help him now, it would be him. And if not, well, at least he'd be able to answer a few questions.

Trying not to wake his brothers, he quietly went downstairs towards the rat's chamber. When he got there, he found that the old sensei was already awake, and was preparing for the morning's training.

"Um…Master?"

"Ah, Leonardo, what brings you here so early in the day?"

"I-" Leo cut himself off. _What should I say to him?_ "You know you said it would help me to talk about my problems?"

"Yes."

"Well, I think I'm ready to talk about it. I really need your advice."

The old master nodded his head, before motioning for his blue student to sit down on one of the mats.

"So, what is it you need me for?"

Leo looked into his lap for a few moments to gather his strength. _May as well get it over with._

"Why did you make me the leader?"

This question caught Splinter completely off guard. He knew Leonardo sometimes had confidence issues, but he wasn't expecting this.

"I decided you were the most capable of being a leader."

"But why me? Why not Raph? He's stronger and-"

"There are more qualities to be found in a leader than physical strength, my son. They must also know patience, and humility. Raphael has yet to show those qualities. You do." the rat answered calmly. "Does this knowledge help you Leonardo?"

"Not really," the turtle admitted. "It's just…what if I'm not meant to be a leader? What if it was a mistake to choose me?"

"What would make you think that?"

"Everything I do seems to go wrong in some way. I've hurt my brothers with my actions. I can't win a fight without needing someone to help me." He then let out a heavy sigh. "I…I don't think I can do this anymore."

Splinter was very worried by this point. It wasn't like his son to sound so hopeless. He could tell that Leonardo's problems ran deeper than he let on.

"Is that what you wish, Leonardo?" he asked cautiously. "Do you wish to surrender your leadership to your brother?"

"I don't know sensei." the blue ninja confessed. "I really don't know what I want."

"Then I suggest you collect your thoughts, my son. Perhaps then you should be able to decide which is the right thing to do."

"Yes sensei." Leo said as he stood up. "Thank you for helping me."

He went back to his room to meditate on what he should do. The longer he spent there, the more convinced he became of what he planned to do. _Master Splinter said to choose what was right,_ he thought. _I'm sure this is the right thing to do. _he opened his eyes and looked around the room sadly. He knew it would be hard, but he had to go through with it. But first he had a few things to take care of…

* * *

><p>After training, Leo spent the rest of that day doing things with his brothers. He helped Donnie with his projects, played Mikey's favourite video games with him, and he let Raph win a few fights. While the others (except for Donnie) went out to get pizza that evening, Leo went to his room and began to write a letter to his brothers. He wasn't the most poetic turtle in the world, but he needed to get this done while they weren't there. When he was finished, he came back downstairs and hid the note. <em>If I'm lucky, they wont find it until morning. <em>he thought to himself. _I hope the can understand, especially Master Splinter. _He then went back to the living area.

As the group ate their dinner, Donnie kept glancing over at Leo to see if he was ok. Before going out, the brothers had talked about the blue turtle's behaviour. Leo had been acting strange all day; he'd seemed happy almost. Even Raph had noticed something was wrong. He never won so many fights with Leo in a single day! Of course, the red ninja just figured he was trying to make up for the other day, but Don and Mikey were sure it was more serious than that.

Splinter was also getting suspicious. After their morning discussion, he was greatly worried as to what Leonardo was planning to do. He'd thought of a few possibilities, but he prayed they were wrong.

After dinner, they all just sat and watched TV for a while. They were watching some Star Trek film on syfy, but none of them were really paying much attention to it. Eventually, Leo decided that it was time to carry out his plan.

"Um, I think I'm gonna go to bed early tonight." he said casually.

"How come?" asked Mikey.

"No reason, I just don't feel like staying down here anymore. Goodbye guys, Master Splinter."

"Night Leo."

As he reached his room, Leo took one last look at his family. They all looked so happy, not suspecting a thing. With tears starting to form in his eyes, he entered the room, and reached for his katana. He'd already decided not to use the tantō; he didn't want April to feel responsible. _Besides, _he thought sadly, _it makes more sense to use my own weapons._

Wapping a small cloth around the sword's blade, he sat down on the floor and made himself comfortable. A small part of him was still a bit doubtful, like he was making a mistake. But it was too late to back out now, not with the note already written…

_Meanwhile…_

"Dammit!" growled Raph angrily. "What the shell is up with Leo? He's really getting to me!"

"Guys, I'm really worried about him" said Donnie. "He kept moving about the lair while you guys were out. Like he has looking for something. Or maybe to hide something."

"What do you think he's up to?" asked Mikey.

"I don't know, but whatever it is, I don't like it."

"Well I say we look around" declared Raph. "If he did hide something, we're gonna find it!"

They split into groups; Mikey and Raph went to look upstairs, while Donnie searched downstairs, with the help of Splinter. After several minutes, the group hadn't had any luck. All they had found was a small screwdriver in the workshop and one of Mikey's old comics down the back of the sofa.

"Ah, this is hopeless." sighed Mikey. "We'll never find it."

"We've been looking for less than 10 minutes, Mike" said Raph

"I'm too hungry to look for it. I'm getting some cereal."

"But you just had a whole pizza to yourself!"

"I'm a growing boy, I need it"

The orange turtle went into the kitchen and grabbed a box. As he poured out the cereal, he noticed a piece of paper fall into his bowl. Curious, he picked it up.

"Hey, guys, look what I found."

"Hm? What is it?" asked Donnie.

"Some sort of note. I found it in my cereal." he handed the paper over to his purple brother. After quickly reading it, the engineer visibly paled.

"Oh my god…" he gasped.

"What's wrong bro?"

"Guys…I think this might be a death poem!" (A/N: writing a death poem is a common part of the ritual. In seppuku, death poems are written in tanka style. for more info, please check wiki)

"WHAT?"

"Donatello, or you sure about this?" asked Splinter.

"Without a doubt. Listen…

'_To my family_

_I can no longer face you_

_I have failed you all  
><em>

_This is the only way now_

_Sorry to disappoint you.'_

It's in Leo's handwriting and everything." he said grimly.

Everyone sat in in silence after Donnie was finished. They were all thinking the same thing. _He can't really want to die…can he?_

"It's not true." denied Raph, shaking his head slightly. "So he writes bad poetry. That doesn't mean he's planning to…y'know…" he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud.

"I think it does guys." said Donnie. "Don't you remember what he said earlier?"

"He said goodnight, right?"

"No Michelangelo," said Splinter. "He said goodbye."

This realisation shook the brothers to their core. "Then…th-then that means…" stuttered Mikey.

"That he could be doing it right now…" said Donnie.

"We've gotta stop him!" Yelled Raph. The four of them rushed straight for Leo's room.

"Leo! Leo, open up!" called Mikey as the brothers banged on the door. "He's not answering!"

"Leo! Please! Open the door!"

"Leonardo, can you hear us?"

"AAAHHHH, that's it! Outta the way!" shouted Raph, taking a few steps back. The other's barely had time to move before he ran forward. With a yell, he managed to knock the door off its hinges, continued into the room…and froze.

"LEO!"

**(A/N: Blood scene ahead. If you don't want to read it, please skip to the next line of bold text)**

The blue turtle was lying on his side, his back to the door, the pool of blood he was in growing lager by the minute. A blood-stained katana was on floor just beyond him. It was enough to stop even Splinter in his tracks.

"…no…no….NO!" cried Mikey. He and Donnie finally leapt towards their fallen brother, Splinter quick to follow.

"Leo, please don't be…" whispered Donnie as the three turned him over. What they saw next made him want to be sick. There, on Leo's abdomen, was a large, cross shaped wound, bleeding profusely.

Splinter instantly went into action. Taking the blanket off Leo's bed, he began tearing into sizable strips. "Donatello, Michelangelo, we must stop the bleeding before it's too late." the two did as they were told, their hands shaking as they did so.

"Raphael, I need you to get the medical box from downstairs." the old master ordered. "Raphael!"

Raph was still standing where he had been since they had entered the room. He couldn't take his eyes off his brother's form. _He…he can't be dead,_ he thought, terrified. _He just can't be…_

"Raphael!" He shook himself to his senses, looking now at his sensei, who was now right in front of him. "Raphael, do you wish to see your brother die?"

"Y-you mean he's alive?" he gasped.

"Yes. Now you must hurry and bring us the medical box. I fear we do not have much time."

As his red son rushed to get what they needed, he turned to face the scene before him. Mikey was tearing what was left of the blanket to make more shift bandages, while Donnie had his hands pressed down on Leo's stomach, hoping to slow the loss of blood.

"Master Splinter?" asked a now crying Mikey. "Do you think we can save him? Is he going to die?"

The rat sighed heavily. This situation was exactly what he had feared. And he wasn't sure how he could prevent it.

"I do not know my sons." he confessed. "I honestly do not know…"

* * *

><p><strong>(AN: Blood scene over. If you skipped earlier, it's safe to read again)**_  
><em>

By the time Splinter had decided they had done enough, it was well past midnight. It had taken them a while to stop the bleeding enough to stitch Leo's wounds closed. Afterwards the group had wrapped Leo up in more bandages and laid him down on his bed. They had been incredibly lucky; although his injuries looked bad, Leo had miraculously missed his internal organs. This, Splinter hoped, was a sign that Leo was still willing to live. Splinter himself was now sat on the left side of the bed, Donnie on the right. "I…I still can't believe it," said Donnie quietly. "I mean, why would he commit seppuku?"

"I fear I cannot answer your question Donatello." sighed a sombre Splinter. "Only Leonardo can answer that."

They soon fell into silence again, the only sounds coming from Leo's shallow breaths. Mikey came in a few minutes later with some fresh blankets. With all the blood Leo had lost, they needed to keep him warm in case of hypothermia.

Donnie couldn't help but feel a bit helpless. In all the chaos that had happened earlier, he had foolishly aggravated his leg injury. To avoid making it worse, he had to sit down and let his leg rest properly. All he was able to do hold Leo's hand, and pray that he would wake up.

After a while, Splinter got up to make everyone some food. They needed to eat, even if they didn't want to.

"This is my fault." Whispered Raph eventually. Unlike the rest of his family, Raph was sitting as far from Leo as possible. He couldn't bear to see his brother in this state.

"No it's not Raph," replied Mikey. "You didn't know he was planning this."

"Yes it is my fault!" he said angrily. "If I hadn't been so hard on him, he wouldn't have tried to commit suicide! Understand Shell-for-brains?"

"It's not just you though," said Donnie. "We've all played a part in this."

"What do you mean Don?"

"Think about it. Leo's been acting off for weeks now. If we'd thought to talk to him about it, we might've been able to help him. But we just left him to it."

That knowledge struck a cord with the other brothers. They were all at fault, at least partially. Eventually, Mikey got the courage to speak again.

"But, the still doesn't explain anything." he said. "What could have happened to make him feel this way?"

Before anyone could answer, a small groan came from the bed.

"Leo?" Immediately, the three of them turned back to their injured brother.

Leo was turning his head from side to side slightly. Their arguing must have stirred him. "Do you think he's waking up?" asked a hopeful Mikey.

"I don't know," replied Donnie, "But I hope so."

As Leo groaned again, Splinter returned from his trip the kitchen. "My sons, I understand your pain but you must…" he stopped when he noticed the three brothers were suddenly crowded round the bed. "My sons?"

"Master Splinter, we think Leo's waking up!" said Raph. Immediately, Splinter set the food he was carrying down, before rushing over to his wounded son.

* * *

><p>Leo looked around cautiously. All he could see for miles around was inky blackness. <em>Where am I?<em> he wondered, _What's happened to me?_

As he looked down to see if there was a floor, he noticed two long, jagged lines across his plastron. _Oh, that's right,_ he slowly remembered. _I committed seppuku._

_So does this mean I'm dead now? Or am I just waiting to die? _As Leo continued to ponder his situation, the darkness around him began to lift slightly. Turning his head, he saw a field in the distance. From what he could make out, it was calm, sunny, covered with summer flowers. Very peaceful

_I wonder if I'd be happy there._ he thought to himself. _Maybe I can finally be at peace._

He began to walk towards the field, a small smile forming on his face. But before he could reach it, he heard something behind him.

"Leo? Leo can you hear us?" the sound of Donnie's voice made him stop in his tracks. How could Donnie be there? He quickly spun around to face his brother, but again only saw darkness. _I must be imagining things,_ he decided, as he started towards the field again.

"Leo, please wake up."

_Mikey?_ Now Leo was sure he had heard right. _But if I can hear Mikey, then that means…I failed._

_Great, I'm so bad I can't even kill myself properly! That's just perfect._

With that in mind, he turned back to face the field. He knew this was the only way to set things right; he had to cross over to the field.

He started to walk again, trying to ignore his brothers' cries. He could hear Raph now as well, but even with all three of them near by, there was no way he was going to stop now.

* * *

><p>"Dammit, he's not waking up!" Raph all but shouted. The family was getting desperate. They knew Leo was still there, because he had groaned, but now he wasn't responding to their calls. They were beginning to fear that he was never going to wake up.<p>

As the brothers continued to beg, Splinter knelt down beside Leo's head, closed his eyes, and began to enter a more spiritual plain. He understood that the others might not reach their brother, but perhaps this way he could…

* * *

><p><em>I'm almost there,<em> thought Leo as he neared the field. _Just a little bit further and…_

"_Leonardo,"_

Turning around suddenly, Leo had to convince himself that what he saw was real. For standing right there, just a few feet away from him, was Master Splinter.

"_Master? What are you doing here?"_

"_I am here to prevent you from making a fatal error, my son."_ the old rat replied. The fear and concern in his voice was evident. _"Can you not hear your brothers' calling to you?"_

"…_yes, I can. But I can't go back sensei. Not after everything that's happened."_

"_And why not Leonardo?"_

"_Because…because this is my fault. Everything is! It's my fault April's home was destroyed, it's my fault Don got bitten, it's my fault the Shredder survived, It-"_

Before he could continue, the rat held up a paw to silence him. _"You cannot blame yourself for these events my son. It is the foot clan that is responsible for April's home. No one was aware of the Shredder's true form. And you were not to know that your brother would be in the alligator's path. You are not to blame for any of this."_

"_But I still feel guilty Master. If I hadn't been more careful…"_

"_You are not the only one to make mistakes Leonardo." _the old master said. _"Please return to us. Your brothers are greatly distressed by your actions, and we wish only to help you."_

"_I…I don't know…"_

"_Please my son. Hear our calls, and come back to us." _Splinter was now beside Leo, just a few feet away from the field. Still unsure of what to do, Leo turned to face the field one more time. _All I would have to do is take a few more steps, and I'll be at peace,_ he thought to himself. It would b so easy. Then he turned back to his sensei, looking worriedly at him. _But if I go with Master Splinter, I might have a chance to set things right…_

The time it took to make his decision felt like a millennia, but it was in fact less than a minute. With a small smile, he took a step forward…

* * *

><p>Waking up was harder then he imagined it would be. Although his brothers' voices were now clearer, Leo still wasn't too sure if he was even conscious yet. But when he opened his eyes, he knew this was real.<p>

As soon as they saw he was awake, Leo was almost squashed by Mikey's hugs. Donnie, aware of Leo's wounds, was a little more restrained in his joy, while Raph turned his face away; he didn't want to show anyone his tears. Splinter merely gazed down at his sons with happiness.

After everyone had calmed down a bit, Leo was sitting up in his bed with the others surrounding him. He knew what was going to come.

"Leo," started Donnie hesitantly. "Why…why did you try to…you know…kill yourself?"

"I, I thought it would make things better." the blue confessed. "I thought, if it hadn't been for me, none of the bad things would have happened to you guys."

"What the shell gave you that idea?" said Raph.

"Look at everything that's happened to us lately. Shredder, April's apartment, Donnie's leg. I felt like I had to blame someone for all of it, and I thought that person…should be me. I played a part in all those events, so it made sense to blame myself."

As he was talking, he other brothers started to think about what he was saying. There was some logic in part of his thinking. Leo had been involved in some of the bigger events in their lives, some more so than others…but that was still no reason to commit suicide.

"But, that still doesn't explain why you did it Leo." said Mikey, "I mean, you could've talked with us about it."

"I didn't think I could Mikey. I don't really know why I thought that…I guess, I was afraid you would all tell me that I was right, that I really _was_ to blame for everything."

By now, the family was beginning to understand Leo's plight. The blue turtle was always trying to do what he thought was best for everyone. If he was at fault for something, he would do what ever it took to make things right. If it made his brothers happy, then he glad for it.

"Eventually, I figured that, maybe if I…if I wasn't around, then perhaps things would start to get better for you. I didn't think about committing seppuku at first, but after I found a tantō in April's lock up, I just couldn't get the idea out of my head. But, it kinda made sense to me. I didn't want to lose my honour any more than I had already, and this was the only way I could leave while still keeping it."

Leo could feel the sting of tears forming in his eyes by this point. It was really hard for him to face his actions right now, but he had to do this; he had to put things right. He didn't need to look up to know the others were welling up as well.

"I…I thought that my leaving would make things better. But now I know that I've just caused you more pain. I, I never meant to hurt anyone, I just…I just…" he couldn't go any further. All the emotions he had felt the last few days came back in full force, and they were overwhelming him. As much as he tried, he couldn't stop the tears from falling down his face.

Suddenly, he felt his body being pulled forwards slightly, as four pairs of arms wrapped themselves around him. Looking up slightly, Leo found his entire family holding him in a big hug. It wasn't a crushing bear hug like Mikey gave him earlier; instead this one was gentle, and comforting.

"We'd never be alright without you Leo," Donnie said quietly. "I don't think we'd be able to cope. We love you too much"

"He's right Leo," said Mikey, "Besides, can you imagine Raph leading us? We wouldn't survive a week under him!"

"I heard that." the red ninja growled. "But they're right, Leo. We'd never be right without you."

Leo gave his brothers a small, watery smile, before leaning into the hug, crying softly. None of the others moved to stop him, they knew this was part of the healing process. Instead, they settled down on the futon, the brothers' silently shedding their tears.

_For so long, our kin has been suffering, and we did not know it, _thought Splinter, as he looked on at his sons. _But perhaps now, we can help him to recover his spirit. And in doing so, we can begin to move forwards._

Unknown the Splinter, similar thoughts were going through the minds of his sons. From this point on, things could only get better…

* * *

><p>Well, there you have it, my first fanfiction in 4 years. I hope you enjoyed it. I may or may not add an epilogue in the future, but for now, I'll leave it at that. Please be constructive in your reviews; flames will be used to burn Tengu Shredder.<p>

I've got a few ideas for some other tmnt fics in the future, but dont expect them to be up any time soon, because I'm applying to uni and have alot of exams over the next few months.

Anyway, thanks for reading!


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